Spirit of Eid Fitri

I have never spoken or written about how I feel of Hari Raya so there is always a first time for everything.

In 1990 I left Malaysia for the States to continue with my studies. That year was the last Hari Raya with my family. No baju kurung. No new raya shoes. No rendang and nasi impit. No more raya packets. No fire crackers. Except classes as usual, walk to classes in heavy winter clothing. Exam as usual...hmmmm....From then on Hari Raya was just another day....so far away and I think it was about the time I lost the spirit of Hari Raya. I missed 4 Raya celebration consecutively with my family and I think it is too much, for me at least. How I feel is not the same how other may felt. Do I sound berlagak?

I know there are others who have been away from home longer than I did and missed raya with loved ones, too. They cry together (with their friends)to the songs of Raya played on their old tapes. A call back home and the opportunity to speak with their family members were a treat. Yet they still embrace the raya spirit when they are back, enthusiastically.

You may say that it is ridiculous or something unheard off. But it is a true fact. May be I lack the understanding of what Hari Raya means. The feeling is neutral on Hari Raya from then onwards.

Am I over reacting?

Until today, I am still not able to get 'that' Hari Raya feeling back. 'THAT' feel is indescribable. The excitement of raya preparation was out of the ordinary back then. Going out shopping for new clothes was a routine for our family and we arrived home exhausted. Sheri and myself would try on and pranced around in our new raya clothes while Dad smiled and scratched his bald head.

2 days before Hari Raya, we would already be back in Parit. Dad brought along a sack full of fire crackers. Those days they weren't illegal. Laughter came from each corner of the house. Everyone was back. Joy was on each of our faces. We would sit around the table and talked and then laughed. Yes, it was a special occasion. My grandmother supervised the 'lemang' over the fire while cooking chicken and beef rendang at the same time. Gasoline lights flicker in to the night. Still my aunts busy baking raya cookies and chocolate cakes in the stuffy kitchen. We were excited and I think we did not sleep the whole night. Can't wait till dawn fighting for the bathroom. Parading in our new clothes. Then off to the mosque for raya prayers. When we return from prayers, seek forgiveness, collect raya packets, we gather, eat and rejoice Raya. One time my cousin Rohaya, cheated and stood in the same line to receive raya packet from my grandfather, twice. Soon relatives will start rolling on our doorstep, munching to our 15 types of cookies, spread across vertically on the rectangle table in a crystal jar...Amusing indeed I am. It was all short lived.

I am not actually bothered with my own raya clothes. In fact,once, I wore the same raya clothes 2 years in a row. Reason being, "I wore it only once since last raya." Hah! Sure, lie to them! Do you think they would understand how you feel? How you feel is not important and stop thinking about yourself only.

Hence, once a year I make a point to prepare a set of baju kurung just for the sake of wearing them on 1st raya. By noon, I would have it taken off and chucked it somewhere in my luggage. Could not even be bothered with raya shoes...Just wear my daily sandals. I would carry along a pair of heels for the,...'in case I need them' condition.

In search for the spirit again, this is the second year I try to color coordinate our raya clothing, after watching other people do that. I hope to show a strong and united front. I hope to achieve what I was looking for. But is it all just in the clothes when you don't have 'it' in you?

Yes, I make sure all raya necessities are in order. Raya clothes for the kids and hubby. Raya cookies is a must have. Slave myself preparing special dish in the eve of raya. Travel through 4 states in 3 days to celebrate raya with loved ones. We forgive and forgave. Raya packets for mom, kids and relatives. But why inside, I do not feel it's raya? Or subconsciously, I am celebrating raya!

Have I been lying to myself? I want to feel and embrace Raya again just like other people. Just like before. May be I should start my own family tradition! Help me find the spirit of Hari Raya. I do not want to lose it forever.....