Apa lagi !?!

Finally the PC is repaired.

Months passed by and Ramadan greeted us again this year. It is going to be a different Ramadan as Abah is no longer with us.

How have I been without him? Well whenever I go back to kampung I just pretended he is there. Breakfast in the morning, I know where he sits...by the sink with his cigarette on his lips. If he is not around I just think..oh he is in his bedroom watching tv. If he is not sweeping the leaves outside, I imagine he is watering the plant. If mom drives down and arrived Subang Jaya safely, I just pretend that Abah drove and resting in the guest room.

That's how it has been since he's gone. I just imagine and pretend he is a round. Funny how some people deal with death.

When I lost my biological mom at the tender age of 8 (Sheri was 4) I don't know how and what to feel. I guess it didn't click then. I know she died but at 33, so young....what does God wanna do with her? I guess HE had planned well. People always feel pity towards you....aw so young...kesian kecik2 dah tak ada mak...I don't know how to respond.

But when you are fully grown up, the acceptance of death is very difficult. I have been very closed with my dad and I love him dearly. Even at his death bed...I beg his forgiveness as I still keep 2 dark secrets that I am not able to share with him. He was lifeless than....barely breathing on his own. It was tearing me apart.

On the wee hours of May 12, 2009, I was asked by my aunt to ampunkan semua kesalahan my dad at his death bed. But I think I am the one who should seek his forgiveness for hiding my dark secret. How I wish I can share it with someone but it happened to me, and I have willingly took the consequences. Macam orang cakap biar pecah di perut jgn pecah di mulut.

It was a shock. What should I say to Abah at the time? I avoided the situation but came to my senses and sat next to him. He was supported by oxygen. Frail looking and doesn't even look like the dad I've know all this while. How GOD can be cruel to you! I wept and wept and started to talk...

" Abah...abah tak pernah buat salah pada shera. Shera yang banyak buat salah. Ampunkan kesalahan Shera Abah! "

That's all came out from my mouth. I hugged his thin and frail body, barely lifeless on the bed. I felt...bones, all that is left was bones.

Berdosa kalau kita tanya "WHY IS GOD DOING THIS TO ME?" Why? Kenapa cubaan ni terlalu berat? Kmi adik beradik dah jadi yatim piatu. Why? Berdosake sangat kami dua beradik sampai emak bapak pun Allah sanggup ambik dari kami? Apa lagi yang nak diragut dari kami ni....?

APA LAGI!?