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Monday, May 30, 2011

On Loan for 43 years


I was sitting at the mamak stall this morning while waiting for my roti canai and teh tarik, thinking how my life have turn out.

Suddenly I get teary eyes, thinking for 43 years I have been put on loan to this world. And I am still serving my loan until the day comes when, HE said, "OK, you have paid you dues!" Sadly, I don't know when it will be. My birthday wish is to apply for a continuance to my existing loan....another 30 years, perhaps?

Naturally as a human, I would like to say I wanna live another hundred years which is impossible. But I take what I can get. God works in mysterious way. He spared 43 years of my life so that I can prove myself in every way possible. I make mistakes...sometimes I learn from it...and sometimes I keep repeating the same mistakes. I am human after all. What matters the most, the opportunity, HE gave me to bore and raise my kids, namely Shakira and Shakiel, which my biological mother never had the chance of raising hers.

On this special day of my birthday, I would like to also wish myself, a happy birthday! May Allah bless me and my family.....Amin.

Monday, May 23, 2011

R E A D


When I was growing up, my late mother was the educator in our family. She would sit next to me and make sure I finish all my school work. She was like a hungry lioness who just waiting the right moment to eat you up...! Sorry mummy...I am a mummy myself now and I do the same to my children, your grandchildren. I wish you could meet them, mummy, they are pretty smart and have their own colorful characters.

Any way, I wasn't an avid reader those days. But I enjoyed reading magazines though, I guess its the pictures what attracted me the most. I could not exactly recalled when I pick up reading but I think while conceiving Shakira.

Somehow I do believe your actions while you are pregnant does influence your fetus. Why I said that is I believe that Shakira's loves for reading was implanted in her because I love reading when I was pregnant with her.

Since my work place shifted to Shah Alam, the company provided pick up van to transport their workers from a few pick up points. I spent at least an hour on the van and ended up taking a nap which was not productive. So I spent the traveling time by reading. I enjoyed reading autobiographies and non fiction. I finished at least 2 books in one week. Then one day, on the radio, I heard Phoolan Devi, India's Bandit Queen was shot dead in front of her house. Such a coincidence, cause I was reading her unauthorized biography that day!

While Shakira was growing up, we instill in her the joy of reading. Just imagine every year we declare more than RM500 on books purchased for tax rebate to the Income Tax Department. Shakira likes reading especially magazines; Tinkle bell, Princess, Asuh, Ana Muslim....she would read cover to cover and complete the quizzes included.

Once I could finish 3 Virginia Andrews in a week – The Dollanganger and The Casteel series. I read on Mahatma Gandhi, Madonna, Jackie Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe and etc....

The last book I finished was Ning by an Indonesian writer. Currently I am alternately reading Doctor in the House and Lagenda Budak Setan. It is going pretty slow since I have other priorities.

But my all time favorites are The Promise by Danielle Steel and Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller. Read it and you will know why. When Hollywood turn the book into a movie, Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep fit perfectly the part of Richard Kincaid and Francesca Johnson. They brought the story out alive. I re-read the book so many times and each time I will cry leading to page 122-125.

The Bridges of Madison County is a 1992 best-selling novel by Robert James Waller which tells the story of a married but lonely Italian woman, living in 1960s Madison County, Iowa, who engages in an affair with a National Geographic photographer from Bellingham, Washington who is visiting Madison County in order to create a photographic essay on the covered bridges in the area. The novel is presented as a novelization of a true story, but it is in fact entirely fiction. However, the author has stated in an interview that there are strong similarities between the main character and himself. The novel is one of the bestselling books of the twentieth century, with 50 million copies sold worldwide. It was originally published in the UK under the title Love in Black and White. The Bridges of Madison County was made into a 1995 film of the same name, adapted by Richard LaGravenese and directed by Clint Eastwood. It stars Eastwood and Meryl Streep.-credit to Wikipedia.

The promise tells us about a young architect Michael Hillyard and artist Nancy  McAllister are determined to get married despite  his wealthy mother's disapproval. Then, minutes  before their wedding, a terrifying accident and a  cruel deception separate Michael and Nancy --  perhaps forever. Each pursues a new life -- Nancy in  California, Michael in New York. But eventually  nothing -- and no one -- can keep them apart as  they keep their vow never to say good-bye. - credit to Random House.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Mr D

I enjoyed every minute of my schooling life in Penang.

Towards my final year in school I would skipped classes with Saz, Ta, Pravin, Adrian, all would squeeze in Pravin's mini minor and ended up at a mamak stall. We had teh tarik and roti canai.

Throughout our years as lower and upper sixers, I would consider our girl group were the most popular in school. We were the talk of the school and we became the attention of a few prefects who just waiting for us to cause a stir. It seems like we were bad influence to others..Oh yeah? Whatever!! We were friends with everybody no matter their gender or age and we had lots of fun. Other guys at school were curious about us (us here consist of Sue A, Sue B, Saz, Rock, Tid, Ta and myself), some were bold and approached us, some were shy and some watched us from the side line. Whatever!!

When we were in lower six, we had crushes with our Upper sixers. Some were cute and thats how I met Mr D. Mr D is a Sabahan and he stayed at the school hostel/dorm. I noticed he would always look at me whenever we were across the room. I would look back. He smiled and started to talk to his friend. I felt intimidated by his action. This happened quite frequently. But that attitude made me wanted to know more about him. I dug around and did some background check on him. I got to know from my girl friends, that Mr D is not into any relationship in his final year. Ok. So? What does that has got to do with me.

Than funny thing happened, the more I think of his actions the more I am anxious to see him at school. It is like morphine, addictive. I want to see him everyday even if it was just a glimpse. Am I dreaming or what? And every time I caught his eye, he would turn and walk away. Wait a minute what did I do wrong now to receive such treatment? Such a jerk.

I lay low for a while and turn my interest befriending my juniors. They were a bunch of cool lots.

I actually put a lot of effort wanting to know Mr D much better but he was unapproachable. So my effort did not pay off and when I was about to lose interest, Mr D started to come out of his closet. We talked and his concern was of our different race and religion. Hello? Was he thinking outside of the universe...? I sense he was afraid of commitment...and was he thinking that we would go 'steady'? Is that it? Duh!?! You are leaving soon, dude. Yes, I was interested in him. Yes, I want to know him extra better than the rest. Yes, it was such a fine feeling. Yes, I had a crush on him. But....his body language gave a mixed response. He was already thinking that our religion will not hold our relationship? What relationship? We never had one! He kept on referring to a book by Pramoedya Ananta Toer, Keluarga Gerilya (The Guerrilla Family). He urged me to read and he said, "You will know what I mean." Why must he bring up the religion issue? Was it necessary? He called me several times at home and we talk whenever I can. Well at least I know that I am not imagining things......

He left soon after the final exam and we never met each other since then...

12 May 2009 - It has been 2 years.....

.....since you left us, Abah.

The first time I ever heard this song in 2007 by Luther Vandross, I fell in love with it.

But after the passing of my dad, this song means the world to me. I did not share this with anyone because it will make me teary eye whenever I relate to this song. Its like an arrow pierced through my heart. For me...this songs represents how I missed my dad so much.



I am still sadden by his passing but I feel honored that he passed away the same month as my birthday. We are closer now.

Now I have a song for my father. Wherever you are, dad, you are always in my thought. Remember, I have your blood flowing in me.


Mr Luther Vandross, thank you for that lovely song you wrote!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Mr C

After Mr B left, I wasn't interested in another relationship. Instead, i like my happy go lucky life.

In 1984 my sister and I shifted back to Petaling Jaya. I like the fact now that I am staying with my parents. My dad remarried since than and the four of us were adapting to our new formed family.

We lived at Section 14 PJ which is next door to the famous Jaya Supermarket.. I grew up there until I was sent to live with my grandparents in Perak in 1979. Now I am back with a bang!!!! Dad told us that he bought the house for RM28,000. That was in 1970 and later in 2007 we sold it for whooping RM300,000! (Though the value was estimated at almost RM360,000.)

My sister and I got our own room. Yes...I like my own space and privacy. I pasted posters of my favorite star like Michael Jackson, Boy George, Paul Young, Nick Kamen, John Stamos, Scott Baio, Duran Duran, ….gosh..o.o.ooooooiii not to forget the one an only Barry Manilow! I owned a full size poster of Paul Young. I had to buy six issues for six weeks and I cannot afford to miss even one, because each issue only included one portion of his body. The teenage magazine was called JACKIE and both my sister and I loved reading.
I started listening to Barry Manilow songs ever since I found several of his tapes around the house. I never asked who it belonged to because I assumed it was my late mother's. I find she was musically incline than my dad. Probably dad didn't have the heart to get rid my late mom's possession. In fact he did not get rid anything. Since my mom passed away all her possession remained in placed until dad remarried and step mom wants her space. So Mr Manilow's tapes became my property. Being a generous dad, I managed to convinced him to get me a Sony boom-box. I would listen to Manilow's songs, copied its lyrics, replayed the songs again and again until I memorized them. And that's how I learn Manilow's songs. You will not imagine how big a fan I was that while studying in the States, I bought the 8th row ticket from center stage to see Mr Manilow himself performed! I still can remember...I took my step mom to watch the 2 hour concert. I am the person, who does not just go to any concert. I wanna leave satisfied. And that night,...I had an orgasm, figuratively speaking! Yes, I still adore Mr Manilow until today.
However, this was supposed to be the continuation of my puppy love and the tale will continue with Mr. C. I initiated this friendship. He was my step mom's nephew.

I did not see it wrong for me to get to know him since we were both in secondary 5 that year of 1985. After all he is part of the clan. We use to hang out in the small park in front of MPPJ, discussing and studying for our exam. After the final exam we had a 4 months break before the results would determined our future. We called each other on a regular basis and once he cycled all the way from Subang Jaya to my house. We also wrote to each other and I can expect funny cards and lovely letters once a week. It was good but good thing doesn't last forever.

My dad was promoted and transferred to Penang. I love the idea that the whole family will be shifting. I was actually looking forward to it. But this mean I will leave Mr C. We parted but we still continue exchanging letters and cards. Until one day my step mom started to feel suspicious of my mail activity. She asked who were the mails from and I had no reason to lie. So I told him it was Mr. C. She was curious but tolerated for a while.

In the meantime, I was registered to a new school which later made known to me as one of the oldest school in Penang. Penang Free School was an all boys school but it open doors to both genders for the lower and upper sixers. Tunku Abdul Rahman, Lim Chong Yew, and Tan Sri P. Ramlee was once a student at PFS. The school is located 10 minutes walk from our house.

I had to start all over again....meeting new people, building friendship and gaining their respect. I started to develop local speaking dialect. Enjoyed the local food such as pasumbor and penang laksa. After a while, I am all adjusted.

Mr C was so far away and my parents were very suspicious with my mail activity. One day, my mom confronted me and warned me to stop calling and writing to Mr C. Now my phone calls are monitored. Some of my mails arrived without reaching my hand. I feel so frustrated. And we had a communication melt down. It wasn't easy to break up a relationship but by the looks of it, that was what mom wanted. It was an order. There is nothing much I can do or say. I had thought of a plan to end the friendship. Anyway, looks like I am very good at breaking people's heart!

While I was doing my lower secondary six, Mr C entered Taylor's College. Its getting harder for both of us to communicate. I am tired of the pressure that I scored an Emmy Award nomination for the Best Screenplay. He had to be told the truth....yes, its another man. I left him for another a guy and that the long distance relationship will end up to nothing. He said he has no will to live if I left. That was the last letter I received....and that began to strain our relationship. Yes, it hurts.

Along the years leading to date, we came face to face at relative's house on several occasions. Since it was a family occasion, I even attended his wedding with my parents and husband. The tradition was at the end of the night the bride and groom would stand by the entrance door thanking all guests and I was nervous. Should I shake hands with him or should I just walk passed him. Finally my turn arrived and I greeted my aunt and uncle (Mr C's mom and dad), congratulate the bride and walked passed the groom! And most of the time, I avoided his presence. I was ashamed that I hurt his feelings for my own selfishness. But its a family issue I have to respect....most of all my step mom. He is now happily married with 2 children.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mr B

Going on to my secondary 2, I was 14 and blossoming into a young lady, everything was blossoming if you get what I mean...hehehe...my hormones, hay-wired.

Suddenly I became the center of attention when I receive proposals again wanting to take me as their pet sisters. You could say it was the trend back then. So I anticipated the invitation from Mr B. I had a few other choices....ya know...hehehe....

Mr B was in secondary six and that makes him 6 years older than me. He was tall, lean, well built, dark and somewhat good looking too. Again I fell for an all rounder athlete. He was good in soccer, especially athletics and in other team sports as well. So, that's probably why he was dark skinned. Not knowing to me, he has many other admirers and they said I was plain lucky that he picked me. Duh!?

Being in the same Yellow House or Shaidali (sport house color)we took the opportunity to meet up after school. So happened we were busy preparing and practicing for our Sports Day. We spent a lot of time getting to know each other. And coincidentally Mr B was my house captain. Ta..daaaa.....

However after a while I find the relationship had higher expectations when Mr. B shared his inner feelings with me. I wasn't sure and I consulted a few close friends then suddenly out of the blue, rumor went around that Mr B and me were an item. I was put in a humiliating situation. If this spreads around, the teachers might find out about it too. I like him. I have to make a decision. At the same time he was also seeing this other girl (on and off). He was willing to stop seeing her if I agreed to become his 'girl'. Several times he asked where our relationship was heading and I would usually keep quite. If I respond negatively, there will be other girls waiting in line willingly to take my place. On the other hand, if I said yes,....I will be in deep shit!

Please excuse me, I was only 14. As much as I liked him, I cannot commit. It is impossible. I was naive. Love is blind and it blinded once judgment. But I need to find away to break the news to him...in a nice way.

Once in a while I feel good thinking about Mr B. His future plans and I am in it. Marriage and how he will proposed to me when I complete my secondary 5. He just swept me off my feet! How romantic! Then suddenly...., my dad appeared in the storyline and cut! Time out! I shivered. I snapped back to reality. I cannot do that. I love my family more than let my future go to waste. I am being reasonable here.

I played truant. Started to be an expert liar all because of my selfishness. Once my uncle (Uncle Ros) found out, I planned to joined Mr B and friends for a trip to Teluk Batik by the seaside. The plan backfired and my uncle gave me a stern warning. I was scared by his treat. At the time, I hated Uncle Ros so much because he caught up with my plans. How stupid I was. The town was small and everyone knows my uncle, what else my grandfather. I thought I could get away with it.

After being warned, I composed myself to tell him that I cannot continue this friendship. In the presence of 2 other girlfriends, I told him I was dying because I have severe back pain. He was very hurt and turned angry that he kicked a few tables in front of him. I was shocked. Then he said, "Ok. In 3 years time I will come back here and look for your grave!!!" And he walked out of the room. From then on we were strangers. I feel bad lying to him and I can't find enough guts to tell him the whole truth. Next thing I heard he left school to join the Malaysian Police Force. I was relieved otherwise I do not know how to face him at school and see that hatred expression on his face.

My personal advise...never, ever lie about your own health for the sake of saving your own ass. In my case 10 years later I was diagnose with TB in the Spine and it almost made me paralyzed! I went through a major surgery and had to put on medication for one year. I am living with some of the sight effects of the treatment. So please don't ever lie about your health when you want to get out of a situation!

Life moved on and after 3 years I was still alive.

In 1986 we shifted to Penang since my dad was promoted as Head of the Penang Special Branch. We lived at 20A Jalan Greenlane...I like the address. The residence was what left by the British during their colonialism in Malaya. Green, fresh and exuberant. My sister and I would tagged along dad whenever he visited other police station around Penang, Butterworth, Seberang Perai and Bukit Mertajam. For him that was our family quality time. Officially he was on duty.

One day, at home, I happened to came across a full list of police personnel and their contacts for the whole of Penang and guess what? Mr B was listed as a Police Inspector stationed in Seberang Perai. His address and phone number were in it too. But luckily we never bump into each other while my dad was posted in Penang. I wonder what will happened if we ever did. Surely an awkward scene. I am pretty sure, he knows my dad and he better not mess with dad. Anyway, he was already married. Then I imagine,...an inspector's wife, with kids...but God had other plans for me. And indeed He did!

I am sure I made the correct decision to end the friendship. He was mature enough and knows what he wanted in life. Whereas myself, at 14, still getting RM15 bi-weekly pocket money from dad! I wish him all the best. Now he has a successful career in Forensic at Bukit Aman. By the way he is now a grandfather!

Do follow my journey....Mr. C.

For all mothers on Mother's Day.

Petikan dari Facebook Puan Zubaidah Abidin,

Last weekend ada sahabat dengar ceramah Dasyatnya Doa Seorang Ibu oleh Ustaz Abdullah Mahmud. Ustaz Abdullah pernah bertugas untuk angkatan tentera malaysia suatu masa dulu. Mungkin boleh jadi panduan kita sebagai ibu dan kita sebagai anak kepada seorang ibu.

Ibu Kita dan Kita Sebagai Ibu.

  * Lapangnya masa kita ada kaitan dengan keberkatan hidup kita. Kita adalah di bawah siksa Allah bilamasa ada masa untuk buat benda tak baik tapi ada masa nak buat yang baik   
* Jika kita tak pernah kecukupan duit maksudnya kita disiksa Allah 
  * Setitik air mata ibu jatuh, 10 kebajikan anak hilang. So ibu2 jangan jatuh air mata ye and anak jangan bagi ibu jatuh air mata. Menangis kerana anak berjaya dan bukan sedih kerana angkara anak   
* Kalau balik tengah malam, buka lampu tengok dan tatap muka ibu, sebab wajah orang tidur akan menampakkan segalanya   
* Ada 3 mata yang tak dijilat api neraka (i) Melihat kaabah sehingga menitis air mata (ii)Membaca quran sehingga menitis air mata (iii)Memandang wajah ibu yg sedang tidur / sedar hingga berlinang air mata   
* 3 orang yg kita kena tengok dan selalu pandang dalam hidup, tengok masa tidor! (i) Anak (ii) Ibu (iii) Suami   

Selingan: kata ustaz kalau kita ada perselisihan faham dgn suami / isteri sampai nak bercerai, tgk laa muka bila dia tidor kalau masih terbit perasan kasih, saying, cinta, rindu atau simpati, janganlah bercerai tapi jika tiada rasa tu semua maksudnya jodoh dah memang takde, boleh proceed pi mahkamah!

  * Orang yang selalu menatap and memandang ibunya takkan menangis di hari kematian ibunya… kira tak menangis teruk laa.. Bagi siapa yg masih ada ibu, pandang laa selalu   
* Adalah menjadi satu dosa jika kita mengguna jari telunjuk untuk menujukkan sesuatu pada ibu 
  * Kalau ada niat yang baik teruskan laa..Allah akan bersama, jangan takut 
* Kalau tak mampu lakukan sesuatu, pasang niat pun mencukupi e.g. tak mampu tolong org, niat nak tolong pun dah memadai 
  * Kalau kita tak mampu letakkan diri kita di tempat yang terbaik, Allah akan letakkan kita di tempat terbaik dengan syarat letakkan ibu kita  di tempat yang terbaik 
  * Ada kaedah yang mana kita boleh minta pada Allah, “ungkit” kebaikan yang menimpa dengan tujuan untuk makbulkan doa kita. Kaedah tu dipanggil “wasilah amal” Ø “Ya Allah semalam aku sudah bersedekah sebanyak RM1, kalau itu satu kebaikan jadikanlah ia penyebab makbulnya doaku ini." Paling banyak buat baik dengan ibu kita, lagi mustajab. Makna dia wasilah amal ni sangat berkesan kalau yg dituntut tadi adalah hal-hal yang berkaitan kebaikan yang dibuat kepada ibu kita. Antara lain yang boleh dituntut adalah apabila kita ditimpa sakit / musibah. Kalau ditimpa sakit, baca laa Innalillahiwainnaillaihirojjiun, then cakap dengan Allah Ø “Ya Allah, berilah pahala besar untuk sakit yang aku tanggung ini” Ø “Ya Allah, bagilah aku keampunan dosa atas sakit ku ini”    Even suapkan anak pun kita boleh tuntut, apatah lagi sedekah kepada ibu dan orang yang memerlukan.
    * Barang siapa yang tidak mendoakan ibu selepas sembahyang buat ibu yang sudah meninggal  maka dikira dia anak derhaka walaupun pada waktu ibunya hidup dia tak pernah menderhaka. Maksudnya jika ibu masih hidup atau telah tiada, selepas setiap solat kita mesti doakannya!  Doa orang yang masih hidup makbul untuk orang yang hidup dan mati. Jadi doakan ibu kita yang telah tiada! Doa orang yang mati makbul untuk orang yang masih hidup    * Masa ni ustaz tu bagi contoh sadis sket..sedeh gak laa.. pi ke pusara mak kita cakap..“Mak, esok anak saya nak kawin, kalau mak ada tentu mak bahagia  tengok cucu mak kawinkan” atau “bapa saya nak kawin esok, kalau bapa ada, pasti bapa akan gembira tengok sayakan..” Ustaz kata luahkan kepada ibu / bapa yang telah tiada kerana mereka mendengar dan mereka boleh mendoakan kita dari sana .  Bila lalu kubur, perlahankan dan beri salam! Mereka akan doakan kita “berkatilah si A ini” dan jika tak bagi salam, mereka akan kata “celakahlah orang ini” Jadi, jangan lupa bagi salam next time.
  * Tanda tanda siksa Allah atas muka bumi ni antara lain simpan harta sampai mati tak pernah keluarkan.
  * Sesiapa yang bersedekah selalu, takkan miskin orang itu selamanya.. Bila nak berbelanja @ shopping always spare duit untuk sedekah kerana dalam duit kita tu ada hak org susah. Jadi bila orang buta datang masa makan, bagi laa duit sebab kita nak cari org susah untuk sedekah dah amat susah masa sekrg and takde masa jadi Allah hantarkan org2 susah ini untuk kita dapatkan pahala!
* Jika mak kita sudah meninggal dan semasa hayatnya kita ada peruntukkan wang untuk dia, bila mak kita dah takde teruskan memberi peruntukkan tu sebagai sedekah. Jangan kurangkan peruntukkan!! “Ya Allah, aku sedekahkan bagi pihak ibuku, semoga pahala sedekah ni sampai kepada ibuku”. Itu yang yang buat ibu kita bahagia di sana. Kalau kita susah nak bersedekah, bayangkan wajah ibu kita baru kita ringan tangan nak bersedekah.
* Allah panjangkan usia ibu dan bapa supaya dia sakit dan nyanyuk untuk beri syurga pada anak anaknya. Jagalah mereka dengan baik insyallah, syurga balasanya. Jadi kalau tahu ibu / bapa sakit, berebutlah menjaga ibu / bapa kita. Besar sangat pahalanya. Allah kalau boleh taknak kita masuk neraka jadi Allah takkan matikan seseorang dalam keadaan kotor dan berdosa jadi dia bagi kita sakit / malu / miskin untuk membersihkan kita sebelum dia mengambil kita.
  * Kalau ada penyakit was was, bacalah surah al-ikhlas.. “Qulhuwallahuahad…” 1000x sehari.  Kalau anak lari dari rumah, gantungkan bajunya dihanger dan anginkan dan hadiahkan surah al-ikhlas setiap hari. Masa lauangan azan yang pertama, panggilah nama anak kita, insyallah akan sampai panggilan kita kepadanya.
* Anak Degil - Bila anak dah tidor, duduk di hujung kepala pangil ROH ANAK   **** Ni seram sket masa nak buat hehehe.. mula2 je lepas tu ok..e.g. Wahai roh anakku "nama anak", jadilah kamu roh yang baik, roh yang bertimbang rasa pada ibu dan bapa, roh yang taat pada Allah, roh yang sayang sesama manusia.  You can ask anything! Nak anak senang bangun ke sekolah.. just try and see.    Wallahualam..

Marilah kita sama2 praktikan mana yang bolehkan.    if x cube x tau...so why not ..no harm done.....insyaALLAH.....niat kita suci & ikhlas..

(no translation)

I put my faith in Allah.

I read somewhere,

Allah kalau sayangkan umat-Nya akan menguji manusia tiga perkara untuk melihat sejauh mana ketabahan seseorang itu. Pertama; diambil-Nya insan yang kita cintai, kedua; akan diberikan seseorang itu penyakit azab, ketiga; akan diambil-Nya segala harta kekayaan menjadikan seseorang itu kehilangan segala kemewahan. Tiga azab ini akan menguji ketabahan dan kepasrahan seseorang itu terhadap-Nya.

Translation :

When the All Mighty God, Allah, love His followers, He will test upon them 3 things to measure the extend how they are able to withstand his tests. First; He will take the person we love, second; He will give you a terminal illness, third; He will take away all of your wealth. Those three will test your perseverance and resigned upon God.

Defining each words and phrase, made me think whether I have actually gone through all three. To my knowledge...I would say, yes. Mainly similar instances. Coincidence? Perhaps. Maybe I haven't been tested at all....but who knows may be what I went through in live up until today is nothing compared what is in stored for me. Am I prepared? Am I scared? YES is my answer to both questions. Your faith and prolong devotion to God is all that will save us and lead us to the right path. It will make us a stronger person.

Not only I lost my mother at a young age, I also lost the man I dearly loved. Dad has been the pillar of my strength. I have been struck by a terminal disease which was save by the expertise of doctors. Not forgetting at the time, I was in the mercy of God. I went through hardship in the finance sector several years ago and it almost ripped off my dignity.

But is it comparable to the above mention quote? Action speaks louder than words....Only GOD knows! Amin.

Old Flames

What do you do when you come across an old flame?

I found 4 of my so call 'old flame' on Facebook recently. Mostly from my secondary school days.......and that's why they call it puppy love. They are now married with family, aging gracefully...well you can see by their physical change.

Maybe I should just leave it as it is. Funny though but I feel I owe them some explanation of the break ups. Maybe for my own peace of mind.

We were young then.

I felt a bit hesitant to write this article. I do not not want people close to me get this the wrong way. But it was my past and I have come to terms with it. I have kept this a secret but now I wanna share part of my past.

No real names and all based on true events. Pictures? Yes I still have each an everyone of them. But in order to respect their privacy, I opted not to upload them in my blog.

Mr A.

I was 13 and just started with my secondary one. I was a 'freshie' and became the attention of the seniors. A few voiced out their interest in 'adopting' me as 'pet sister'. I wasn't that attractive so I don't see what those people saw in me.

Mr A was an all rounder school athlete. You name the sports, and he had medals to prove. He was 17 that year of 1981. Those days we were shy to express our feelings towards each other. Secret messages or notes would always be the bridge to connect our friendship. We started to have secret meetings after school. Lied to my grandmother on several occasions such as, "I going to the library to study." Yeah, right! I did go to the library. Mr A was a librarian at school, you know....

Then I became more bold. A hobby I enjoyed during those years was jogging and Mr A would later join me along my jogging path. I liked his company and no 'hanky panky' going on...but at 13 it is not a descent thing to act that way. When we arrived at a small park, sometimes I would meet up with my other girlfriends. So you see we were not always alone. We would chit chat and talk about school stuff...sooooo very innocent.

Later I noticed some of my secret notes were intercepted, yeah, like I wouldn't noticed they were missing from my bag! Probably they were rolling and laughing out loud reading my letters and notes. Moreover, whoever responsible pretended as though nothing happened. This is an inside (the house) job. I will not forgive the person who did that until he/she come forward and confess. Such an invasion to my privacy. Come one weekend my I insisted of going for my usual morning jog. My persistent back fired when I received a strike on my face for disobeying my grandfather. He did not allow me to go jogging. He knew I was going to meet Mr A. Someone had spied on me! I barked back at him and the burning right cheek implanted fear in me. From then on...no more secret meetings with Mr A. I refrained myself bumping into Mr. A at school, no longer stayed back after school or go to the library. I was embarrassed. Soon we both went our own way. I never get to explained to Mr A why I did not turn up on that Saturday morning. The relationship died out just like that. At that stage I had a feeling my dad already knew about this incident.

Mr A left school that year after his final exams and it is not until the New Year of 1985 when I saw him again. I was with my parents having dinner in a fancy restaurant in Jaya Supermarket. It was a cool restaurant back then and there were life performance by local entertainers(sometimes Filipinos groups as well).

(One of the things that my dad enjoyed doing was taking us out for fancy dinners at cool restaurant with life bands. While we were staying in Penang, he took us to Captain's Cabin- The Ship and I saw Alleycats and Headwind performed. Oh ya...he took us all out to a new discotheque in town. It was owned by a friend. I was 18 at the time, and imagine how excited I was stepping in to a discotheque.)

Back to my story, I got the shock of my life when I saw Mr A, waiting on our table. I am sure it was Mr A but what was he doing there? Yikes, I am with my parents and they must not know who Mr A was. Through out the night, I stole a few glances from a distance and whenever he served us. I pretended as though he was just another waiter. I am sorry about the way I acted but I am not crazy to approached him and later explaining to my parents how I knew him. I knew he knew that it was me and I flatly denied what he knew with my arrogant facial expression. I was mean. But I need to survive. Hey, I'm the one going home with mom and dad!

I am sorry Mr A. The way I acted was such an embarrassment. Mr A is now living in Puchong, married and has 4 children.

To be continue.....next is Mr B.