Have I Accepted The Facts?

I don't know....I should. Shouldn't I?

Whenever I'm alone, my mind would fly off and think of Abah. Driving to work I feel numb most of the time. I would cry and cry and cry. I try to keep my mind and self occupied as much as possible and at night I will quickly go to bed and try not to think. Period.

Am I sad? Of course! But have I accepted the fact? That is something I need to figure out by myself.

My Abah is a special man in my life. Since my biological mom passed away some 32 years ago, he has been my rock. He has saved my ass numerous times and I can't remember the last time I thanked him for that.

The last trip he stayed at my place, the morning before he left for Parit, he said thank you to me and I love you,shera. I haven't heard he said that to me in....ages. It didn't click me at the time but now it seems like something unusual.

You know how sometimes people do or say weird things before they die? That is how I feel to think of it. He is a tough guy and having those words coming out from him is to cherish forever. He knows that I know, I am his favorite daughter.

I am proud of my dad. He has gone for his first chemo session last week and the next will be this coming Thursday. Every weekend I will go and visit him at my sister's house. It is difficult to see him getting frail and weak. He still goes for his morning walks though he said it tires him. He takes supplements to strengthened his immune system.

At this rate, I can only pray that I have another year with him. ABAH I love you!

Abah Has Lung Cancer

Amidst the excited time watching Shakira off to her school I received a sad news that my dad was admitted to Pantai MC in Ipoh for a minor surgery. He had problem urinating and pass motion. The surgery was successful. Somehow his coughs gave way for the doctors to further run tests and after a CT Scan they discovered my dad has lung cancer.

What can I say? A shock? Or something expected? Being a smoker since he was in his teens....I guess people are not surprised due to his smoking history. The young Dr. Michael Joseph explained to abah (and infront of us all) that the cancer has spread to his left lung. Abah has 6-9 months to live and should he undergo Chemotheraphy it may prolong his life span up to a year.

Abah laid down listening and jokingly said, "Well doc, it looks like it the end of the road for me."
But the doctor replied, "No Sir don't think it as that way. There is no cure for cancer but you are fit and with chemo it helps to prolonged life."

The doctor left. We were numb. What can I be thinking? How's mom taking it? All this while she has been living with Abah and now we have a deadline. My sister ran outside after the doctor to have a few words. She came in with teary eyes. Me? I don't know yet how I feel. Shock? Perhaps? Numb? Perhaps? I think it hasn't kick in yet. No way this is happening to me. I lost my mom....and now my dad? Wow! How can I live without my DAD?

We thought of going for a second opinion but abad feels that it is not necessary. Cancer is still cancer, no doubt about it. And he wants to go through Chemo. From then on my sis has taken control of setting an appointment with an oncologist from HUKM, shipping him back and fro for chemo treatment, accommodate both my parents at her house. What is left for me to do? I know mom would feel comfortable having sis in control as she is very authoritative, informative and they have a special bond. So where does this leave me? I love my dad too. Maybe circumstances does not permits me.

Recently I received my retro salary of 2 step increase from March last year. I gave certain amount to mom the other day and I just don't know what and how to say what the cash is for. I know they don't actually need it but I thought she could at least use my contribution to pay for the drugs and medication for ABAH. After that, I thought how I wish I could have explained what the cash was for. I am just not goods with spoken words.


Abah and his cucu.


Abah and Shakiel.

It is going to be a tough time this year. Accepting the fact that Abah is dying. I know everyone will die one day but it is different when it happens to you.